How are you? Was your day productive? I hope so. I know how you like being productive, you set a good example for me. Well, My letter is not about your work ethic so lets get to it.
Emotion, when crudely defined, is a state of mind derived from a person’s circumstances or relationships with others. Well, the state of my mind based on my relationships and circumstances today has been less than appealing. I believe I went through every emotion known to man in the twelve hours that I have been awake. That is a bit much, maybe even too much. I cried when I though of how you ignored me and treated me like an afterthought not even worth the neurotransmitters that facilitated my fleeting existence in your mind. I became angry at myself for reducing myself to a place where you could walk all over me. I experienced love and heartbreak at the same time when I had to prepare something for my brother. I went, I came back and I had a good roller coaster ride in the middle. Total shock when your cousin agreed to cook me lunch from a totally insignificant conversation and felt joy as I laughed so hard my belly hurt as he talked about how we could make easy tax free money. I felt absolute fear and guilt that I had allowed somebody to do for me the things that you refuse to do. I was absolutely confused because I felt that way as it was an innocent thing, and you couldn’t care less that I was dead, alive or hungry. But the feeling was all too familiar and I was once again angry with myself for giving you so much power over me that I have mindfully hurt people who wanted only to love and care for me. Clutching so closely to heart that you have trampled on every chance you got.
But then came dinner wit your parents. And we talked and listened as we usually do. I was reflective and a little bit guilty because I wondered if I was being entirely fair to you. Was I being unfairly ungrateful? Was I demanding more than I actually deserved? After all,it started as a bad cycle and I went on to make mistakes that i will never forgive myself for, and I would probably like to forget. Your company treats you a particular way, you treat me that way and I treat others that way. It’s a cycle of poor, inhumane treatment and I am not happy being a part of it. But yes, I wondered if I was being unfair to you and If you were as hurt by my ungratefulness as I have been by your perceived neglect.
I read today that people endure emotional abuse and neglect for fear of loneliness: I can relate. But the issue that I find myself faced with is the reason why I have this blog. How do I rid myself of this toxic disease called my obsession with you. Its not safe or healthy for me; and definitely not good for any relationship. I cannot do this. At one point today I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, I look older than I am am, and I keep racking up bad decisions and regrets, all because I love you too much to be productive. Maybe I know what I need to do, but I am afraid. I don”t know. Hormone related emotions are one thing, but roller coasters like the one I rode today are just nonsense.
Dear Boo, I want to feel nothing; can you tell me how you do it?